Hand Wrought

Hand Wrought
Could you please give me your opinion on my “VIVIAN” poem?

I’m Indonesian user, and currently learning classic English poems. I have mine, and please feel free to give it opinion.

VIVIAN

Vivian, at the eagle view
to thee my eyes took its deep
thro’ ceiling windows and hi’ upkeep
and guards that even never sleep.
Those make the miser on my heart
how I try to love thy round eyes
whilst the pain doth no pass

Indeed, I shalt no go thro’ this rain
but how canst I bindeth this endless pain?
I swear by the Eternal God,
whose hands hath wrought this vein,
canst thou wreck my chain?

O, Vivian, soon on thy smoky breath
feel my draining souls, come to death
upon the grassy swarth, on surface of the earth
that I shalt never freeze this heath
for in love, very foolish can be
when it comes to love thee

regards,
Mitsu

Hi Mitsu,
I like your poem. There is some excellent, original imagery :
“Thro’ ceiling windows and hi’ upkeep”, “Make the miser on my heart”,
“Canst thou wreck my chain’, ” soon on thy smoky breath”.
You have effectively and prevocatively juxtaposed flowery ‘classical’, anachronistic phrasing “thee…thro’…thy…whilst…doth…canst…shalt…”etc.) with more stark, modern images such as those quoted above. This unusual coupling of the old and the new makes the tone of your poem unique and intriguing.
In some cases, your English usage is somewhat awkward :
pain doth NO pass”, “I shalt NO go”, in love, very foolish can be”, “when it comes to LOVE thee”.
This is not necessarily a weakness for the poem; it just makes it all that more unusual!
So, overall, great work!
- Paolo